heavy in my mind like a ripe pear

“As for my next book, I won’t write it till it has grown heavy in my mind like a ripe pear; pendant, gravid, asking to be cut or it will fall.” - Virginia Woolf

My PhD novel has been growing heavy in my mind for nearly 20 years.

Its shape has shifted, then shifted again. Then again. And then again once more.

I think it’s ready, asking, to be cut now. But if instead it falls from the branch it has clung to for all these years, I hope it lands in a pile of soft dry grass, where it will be safe from the hungry parrots who have been feasting on fruit still on the trees. Where it isn’t left too long to be picked up, still fine to eat, with perhaps only a tiny bruise or two from the fall to be cut away.

Worse case scenario, maybe it will be scooped up with all the other windfalls and be made into a lovely crumble.

I lit my first fire in the house last week. Picked figs, rhubarb, runner beans, iron-rich greens so dark they are almost ink-black. Made yoghurt. Failed at making yoghurt. Wrote and wrote, deleted, despaired, then wrote again.

The pear will be cut, or it will fall.

an uphill finish

I felt like doing a vlog in my office today. I’m trying to be more spontaneous and less self-conscious and perfectionist about what I post on here, so instead of doing my usual thing of leaving it on my phone and never sharing it, I thought I’d be brave instead. Brave is my word for 2024, after all.

Enjoy!

• video transcript

  Hello, and welcome to my office! Here’s my inspiration wall behind me. I just feel like doing a video today just to break my brain out of its creative rut. Do you like my T-shirt? (laughs) Mario Kart is my favourite way to unwind at the moment in between all of this PhD-related overwhelm.

  I just wanted to record, for posterity more than anything, because I just had a very insightful conversation with my wonderful husband who just gets all of the ups and downs of this journey. I am in the final months of my PhD and it's been a long, long couple of years bringing this project to its conclusion and I thought I was just about there with it. I thought, you know, to apply my oft-repeated marathon metaphor because it's the closest experience that I've had in my life that even comes close to what the PhD has been like, so to just milk that metaphor a little bit more, I thought I was going to have a downhill finish to this race. It was certainly looking that way.

  And then a few weeks ago, it was suggested to me that perhaps I needed to change a few things, a few fundamental things, about my thesis. And they are exciting changes that overall will improve the argument and strengthen it and just make the whole thing work a bit better, which is obviously something I'm very keen to do. But it will involve quite a bit more work at almost literally the 11th hour. And so it looks like I'm going to have an uphill finish to this marathon rather than a downhill one.

  And when Tom said that, all of a sudden I could understand why I was feeling so exhausted! Because I have run the intellectual equivalent of 24 miles and I was ready for an easy finish. But instead, the last two miles are going to be uphill all the way.

  And that is life, sometimes. Sometimes we get an uphill finish when we'd rather have a downhill one. But if you've trained, and if you stay strong ,you can get through it.

  So, wish me luck as I proceed…uphill!

things to remember

Coffee. A daily essential, much like writing.

In my recent article about journalling, I mentioned that I often dedicate several pages - usually the first or last two or three - of my journal to “things to remember”.

By that I mean, I write down phrases, affirmations or reminders that ground me, things I find useful to hear often depending on what is currently going on. If I read something in an article or book, or hear something someone says in a podcast, that particularly speaks to me, that might be helpful for me to bear in mind at the present time, I will write it there. I also sometimes write down insights that occur to me in daily meditation.

I highly recommend this practice of writing down things you find comforting and grounding that you can look at and remind yourself of, especially if you’re a bit like me and find your anxiety running away with you at times. It can be really handy to look at it in your over-thinking moments.

As I’m just coming to the final few pages of my current notebook, I thought I might share some of the things I felt moved to remind myself of or ground myself in the truth of this last little while, in the hope it might be useful for you too. Perhaps I’ll make sharing these a regular thing.

Things to remember

• Karma never loses an address.

• When victory comes at too heavy a price, there’s honour in choosing defeat.

• The seeds we nourish and cultivate within us are the seeds that grow.

• Every storm eventually runs out of rain.

• No matter what you do, someone is bound to end up disappointed…so do what you want.

• There is no ahead or behind, everyone is walking a different path to the same place.

• You can have what you need, even when others need you.

• Confidence is quiet, insecurity is loud.

• How other people treat you is a measure of who they are, not a measure of your worthiness.

• Live with reverence for what truly matters.

• Be radically responsible for yourself.

Daphne (my favourite winter flower) on my desk at work as the sun started setting.

• No one has any power over you, only the power you’ve given them.

• Other people’s opinions are always one of two things: completely irrelevant or feedback you can choose to take or leave.

• Resilience is an asset.

• Live, and write, with audacity.

• The work is your domain, you are not in control of the rest.

• Finish what you start.

• Ripe fruit falls quickly.

• Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.

• Being hard on yourself is never the route to more joy.

• You are going to be OK, regardless of the decisions and behaviour of others. You have survived everything so far.

• You are at your most powerful when you trust yourself.

• You are more than your thoughts. You are more than your body. You are more than the place where you live, your job, your bank account, your current health, your trauma, your highlight reel and accomplishments, your lowest moment and your worst day. You are enough. You always have been.

And finally….

“You will never be able to experience everything. So, please, do poetic justice to your soul and simply experience yourself.” - Albert Camus

how to start journalling (and make it a habit)

I have been journaling for 1,243 mornings straight… (since 20 December 2019)

I get asked about journalling quite a lot. So I thought it was time I wrote a blog post about it - so if this is your bag, strap yourself in, get a cup of tea and enjoy one of my famous long reads!

my journalling habit

I started journalling (or “keeping a diary” as I called it) regularly in 1991 several months before my tenth birthday, and I continue to this day - in fact, right now I am a more regular and prolific journal-keeper than I ever have been.

I started writing Morning Pages daily at the end of 2019, a few months in to my PhD studies. Morning Pages are a practice that involves filling three pages (no more, no less) with whatever it is you’re thinking, stream-of-consciousness style, first thing every day. You should feel free to write whatever you want because in theory no one is ever going to read it, not even you. It’s simply a way of emptying your mind of the dross so that if you want to do some creative work, your mind won’t be preoccupied with the usual things it latches on to, preventing you from doing some deep thinking and creating.

I wasn’t new to the concept - I had done Morning Pages for a few months here and there over the years, but this time I really stuck with it. I’m not sure what it was about this time. Perhaps it was everything that happened at the start of 2020 and I suddenly had a desperate urge to capture and make sense of everything that was happening.

The notebooks I filled between April 2019 and August 2021.

Over three years later, they are still a daily habit! And I have no plans to ever stop. Even Tom is now doing Morning Pages, as he's seen the benefits it has had for my creativity and productivity, and he wanted in!

A journalling prompt for you, perhaps?

I call my morning journalling ritual “my pages” but I don’t think they’re Morning Pages in the strictest sense - they are not truly stream of consciousness (though sometimes they are) nor are they a considered, thoughtful setting down of what has happened in the previous 24 hours. I’d say my daily “pages” are somewhere in-between the two. That works for me.

Indeed, as Julia Cameron says herself, there’s no wrong way to do Morning Pages. Doing them is what’s important.

Alternatively, you might prefer reflective journalling at the end of each day. Helen Garner, possibly Australia’s most famous diarist, once said in an interview that, as she lives alone, she liked the evening ritual of just setting down a few thoughts on “how things went today”. I occasionally write in my journal in the evening too, I especially like to do a gratitude practice (see further).

Why do it?

Why do anything? Because you want to.

Because it brings you joy, clarity, calm, purpose.

Because it helps.

I do it for the same reasons I write in general - to figure out what I really think and feel, to work out what’s really going on. To remember things I don’t want to forget.

A momentous day indeed!

Posterity is a great reason to keep a journal. I have not had the heart or nerve to read any of my journals prior to 2006 (there aren’t many but I know they’re most likely incredibly embarrassing!) but I quite enjoy looking back through my more recent notebooks, even though Julia Cameron warns you not to read back through your Morning Pages in case it impedes you and wakes up the inner critic. I’ve not found that to be the case, yet.

I’ve come to realise that as great as it is to record the momentous occasions in life in writing (see picture!), it’s the random thoughts and the details of everyday life, as I was living it then, that I most enjoy having access to, thanks to regular journal keeping. Suddenly, the details are so clear. It’s like being back there.

I have at least five notebooks each for the last three years alone, but back in London it would usually take me a year to fill just one. Life was so hectic then. I wrote as much as I could but I wish I had written more. I was so convinced I would remember everything.

So now, I write every day. The most basic, mundane stuff. Because one day, it won’t be.

Ideas for getting started

Morning writing

As detailed above, I think making the ritual of journaling first thing in the morning, with your cup of tea or coffee, is a great way to start making it a habit. You will start to really look forward to it. It can be Morning Pages in the truest sense, just stream of consciousness until you’ve filled three pages, or more considered ordering of your thoughts. It’s up to you!

Gratitude journalling

This is also a lovely practice to get in the habit of, particularly if you want to change your mindset to a more positive one. Recognising your life’s many blessings, however small, can really help give you perspective. You don’t have to fill three pages if you don’t want to (though it’s easier than it sounds). You could just write five things that you noticed or that happened today (or yesterday, if you’re writing first thing in the morning) that you’re grateful for. I try to do this as an evening practice as well as my Morning Pages.

Travel journalling

Travel is a wonderful excuse to buy a lovely notebook (maybe in the place you’re visiting?) and start setting down what you get up to each day, the people you meet, the sights you see, the thoughts you have being away from home and everything familiar.

Prior to my current daily pages habit, the most prolific I had ever been with journalling was my solo trip around North America and my first few months of living in London in 2007. Every day, every hour sometimes, held new and wondrous things that I knew I wanted to capture and remember forever. There are only a few times in your life, I think, when you know you’re in some golden days while they’re actually happening, and that period of time was mine.

Dream journalling

Personally I don’t do this unless there was a dream that was particularly vivid and it’s all I can think about when I pick up the pen to do my Morning Pages. But many people do and find it useful, if not entertaining. It can be a great way to observe your subconscious at work.

Abundance mindset / affirmations

I really like doing this too, and I’d highly recommend checking out Bernardine Evaristo’s interview (and her wonderful memoir Manifesto) about positive intention setting.

Writing down the things you want to happen has some kind of magical power I’ve never quite been able to put my finger on. Recently, I was looking through a 2013 journal and found I had written down that I wanted to start putting a PhD proposal together. I was still living in the UK then so I’m not sure which university I had my sights set on, but the dream I’d had since I was a teenager was still with me. It took another six years to put a proposal together and get accepted into a PhD, but here I am, in my final year. Time is not a butler, as Austin Kleon put it. Things will happen on their own timetable. The trick is to stay open and never ignore a dream that won’t go away.

Things to remember

I’ve often dedicated several pages - usually the first or last handful of the current journal - to “things to remember”, reminders that ground me, things I find useful to hear often depending on what is currently going on in my life. If I read something in an article or book, or hear something someone says in a podcast, that particularly speaks to me, that might be helpful for me to bear in mind at the present time, I write it there.

Things like:

• “I am always taken care of, regardless of what I believe I do or don’t need.”

• “Other people’s karma is none of my business.”

• “You can’t control how people behave or treat you, you are only in control of how you let it affect you.”

That kind of thing. Perhaps it’s affirmations, but it’s all useful things that I find comforting and grounding. I highly recommend this if you’re a bit like me and find your anxiety running away with you at times. It can be really handy to look at it in your over-thinking moments.

Art journalling

Sometimes, with my brush pen, I copy out quotes and lines of poems that speak to me, and embellish them with ink paintings…well, I do my best.

Or I just draw lines and patterns with the brush pen, and add phrases or single words. It’s great fun.

Lines from the poem “I Imagine Myself In Time” by Jane Hirshfield, one of my favourite poets.

Here’s my thoughts on a couple of other frequently asked journalling-related questions:

do i have to do it every day?

No, not at all. But in order to make it a habit, if that’s what you want, you’re probably going to have to get into some kind of regular routine with it that works for you.

But don’t worry, it’s normal to go through periods of not really feeling it. To be honest, I’m going through a period of that myself. In 2020, with every day being so charged with uncertainty and life changing so rapidly in such a short space of time, I kind of looked forward to writing my pages each morning. There was always something to write about!

Recently, I’ve noticed a little inertia creeping in. And that’s OK. I don’t want to give up the daily habit, seeing as I’ve stuck with it for so long, so I’m just making my peace with currently writing utter nonsense, repetitive garbled words that can barely be called prose. It’s fine, I’m not Anaïs Nin. These are not going to be published. These will just be the pages I flick past, or rip out, if I ever read it in future.

what if someone finds it and reads it?!

This is one of the things I hear most frequently and, I must admit, it has worried me in the past too.

A quote from the brilliant novel Assembly by Natasha Brown. A must read.

When I was younger, I had my journal found and read by people who I never intended to read it, who then used what was in it against me. It was admittedly a very long time ago now but I still struggle to find the words for how scarring and traumatic it was. It made me feel like nowhere was safe for my private thoughts or, more accurately, I wasn’t allowed to have them. Everything about me, even my thoughts, had to be curated. No wonder I spent so much of my early adult life doing things that felt so incongruent with who I truly was - trauma and shame kept me from using my voice’s most natural outlet. Without it, I had no idea what I truly felt, thought or wanted. I was lost, and completely at the mercy of others.

Thankfully that’s no longer the case and those lost years are just part of my origin story now. But it’s taken me a long time to own my words, to wield their power well, and to reject the idea that I am solely responsible for their impact, particularly if they’re read by an unintended audience. I’m getting there but it still takes a lot for me to write truly uncensored. Though I can’t deny, with everything that’s happened over the last year, it’s such a release when I do!

If you’ve had a similar violation of your privacy and trust, or have reason to believe such a thing might happen, please know you are not alone. I can only advise you to do whatever it takes so that you can convince yourself that your journal is your safe space. Know that you are entitled to privacy and respect, no matter who you live with or how old you are. Keep your journal in a safe place, out of sight or, if necessary, under lock and key! Alternatively, write your pages each morning on a cheap notepad, then burn or destroy them afterwards, don’t keep them. What matters most is that you have a way to express yourself.

I have small children. time for myself in the mornings? What’s that?!

The fact that my morning routine is something I am able to prioritise and do without interruption every day is not something I take for granted - it is one of the great joys of my life and helps me feel anchored and get in a good mindset for the day. I can’t speak to how to best do that if you have small children but my old blogging friend Dr Jemma has a great episode on her podcast about how to create a nourishing morning routine with kids. I think this is her updated version, as she’s recently become a mum of 4! In fact, if you’re a busy and ambitious parent, you need to subscribe to her podcast!

My friend Katie Parker, who also specialises in supporting mothers of young children with their business goals and life balance, has some wonderful resources on her social media and has spoken often about the benefits of journalling.

published journals I love and would recommend

• The Diary of A Young Girl by Anne Frank (the one that started it all for me, aged 10!)

• I devoured the diaries of Anaïs Nin as a teenager but have not read them for many years now. They are a classic of the genre, as she was such a pioneer in terms of writing that walked the tightrope between public and private. Not for the faint-hearted. This LitHub article is a great introduction!

• If you’re a fan of New Zealand writer Katherine Mansfield, her journal is worth reading.

• Nigel Slater’s The Kitchen Diaries trilogy are all wonderful - the first is probably my favourite. I do long write something similar one day.

• Stephanie’s Journal by Stephanie Alexander (out of print) - again, a lovely blend of food and life, documenting the year 1997 which turned out to be quite momentous for one of Australia’s most loved and respected chefs and food writers. Worth looking out for secondhand or in an op shop!

• Helen Garner’s recently published volumes of diaries are fascinating reading - my favourite was the final one, How to End a Story. She is so crisp and devastating in her observations. I don’t think I will ever have her brevity!

• Beverley Farmer’s A Body of Water - perhaps not strictly a journal exclusively, but an interesting mash-mash of journal entries and short stories alongside essays on the writing process. I loved it!

• Sylvia Plath’s journals are a bit of a creative touchstone for me - I think they’re essential reading for anyone interested in her life and work.

• A Notable Woman by Jean Lucey Pratt - a remarkable volume that spans almost the entirety of Pratt’s life, from 1925 when she was a teenager to her death in 1986. Writing that is surprisingly intimate, frank and fresh.

• The diaries of Nella Last are also fascinating reading if you’re interested in life during World War Two - Nella was “Housewife, 49” who contributed diaries to the Mass Observation Project.

• Modern Nature by Derek Jarman - this is a beautiful and utterly compelling journal where Derek, living with the trauma and uncertainty of being HIV positive in the late 1980s, documents the creation of a garden that’s as visionary, wondrous and original as his art. Highly recommended.

• My Mad Fat Diary and My Madder, Fatter Diary by Rae Earl - full of hilarity and 1980s nostalgia, but also a deeply courageous documentation of what it was like to have a breakdown as a teenager when adolescent mental health services didn’t exist.

• Tom has been chipping away at Michael Palin’s Complete Diaries at bedtime for quite a while (in all fairness, it’s 1,952 pages!) and often reads me passages that are hilarious, deeply moving, or both.

I’m sure there’s more I’ve forgotten…..I will make additions when my memory is jogged!

So, what do you think? Are you inspired to start making journalling a habit? Let me know your thoughts!

Please note: this blog post has affiliate links with retailers such as Booktopia which means I may receive a commission for a sale that I refer, at no extra cost to you.

this week and last week

The last strawberries!

Well, this week has turned into last week and last week turned into the week before last in the blink of an eye!

Sorry everyone. I have constant deadlines at the moment, as well as a few other stressful things happening behind the scenes which I don’t feel at liberty to discuss publicly so yes, needless to say, life has been and probably will continue to be hectic. But I’m trying to hold on to this space I’ve carved out for myself, to record the small details of life as I’m living it now. One day this will be the past and I’ll be glad I took the time to put it all down. One year can turn into five so quickly.

A few days ago we lit the fire in the house for the first time since December. It’s quite cold now in the evenings and the mornings - whenever the sun isn’t out, basically. I think I’ve picked the last strawberries. The autumnal air is still slightly tinged with the last breath of summer, but soon it will be woodsmoke, piles of leaves, earth being turned over.

This is an in-between time, I’ve come to realise - much like September is in the northern hemisphere, so is March in the south. Summer is definitely over, but we’re not quite in full-blown autumn yet. I’m still drinking crisp and cold white wine but craving the warmth and sweetness of a fruit crumble. Soaking up the sun, and even still sporting a tan in places, but also savouring the coziness of a favourite jumper, which is now always within easy reach.

highlights

Handing in 20,000 words to my supervisors, on time! I looked at the “Properties” of the Word document I submitted…7,076 minutes have been spent on the document, which translates to nearly 118 hours. It didn’t feel like it! And yet when my head hits the pillow every night, I sleep the sleep of the truly spent.

Writing and sipping tea in a colonial house merely metres away from where my character would have sipped tea too, two hundred years ago.

A catchup with a dear friend of 37 years over proper chai and vegan peanut butter cookies the size of our heads. I am godmother to her son, who will be 18 this year. It doesn’t feel that long ago that we were celebrating our own 18ths!

Figs I grew featured on the cheese platter! They were delicious with a piece of aged cashew cheese on top.

A much-loved aunt and uncle visiting from interstate, whom I hadn’t seen since 2019, coming round for drinks and nibbles. Like Tom and I, they have had to weather the tempests of other people’s opinions and judgements for taking unconventional paths in life, so it was really wonderful to spend a few hours catching up. I so enjoyed seeing them and feel very lucky to have them in my life. I think we’ll be a lot like this aunt and uncle in 30 years time…well, I hope so.

The open garden scheme run by Home Harvest last weekend, where we got to see five local backyard gardens and what the clever inhabitants had managed to achieve with them. I loved seeing pear and apple trees laden with fruit, beans climbing up frames, abundant patches of kale, silverbeet, beetroot, tomatoes and snow peas. I was so inspired. And reassured to see that many other Hobart gardeners have rogue pumpkins and potatoes too!

Reading

Just a few books I’ve devoured when I’ve not been chained to my desk…

I want to make particular note of Alison Croggon’s Monsters which might be my favourite book I’ve read this year. I devoured it in a day, could barely tear myself away from it. It was so poetically and cleverly written - taking the personal (a painful estrangement from her sister) and placing it within a wider global and cultural context, exploring how the “monsters” of racism, colonialism, privilege, white supremacy, and patriarchy have played out in the family history and in the eventual broken and dysfunctional dynamic Alison found herself in and how these attitudes have shaped her. She writes about how life for most white people who have grown up in the structures of colonialism and patriarchy becomes a series of convenient fictions, because we can’t find it in ourselves to truly acknowledge what horrific systems we are a part of - this is true of dysfunctional families as well. Alison thoughtfully and unflinchingly considers the “monsters” of her own life and psyche, her family and colonial Britain, which of course includes Australia, and, naturally, there are no neat endings or easy answers. It’s fascinating. I highly, highly recommend it.

I’ve also been enjoying Tamar Adler’s An Everlasting Meal which was mentioned in Diem Tran’s excellent newsletter a few weeks back. It’s all about cooking with economy and grace, with so many ideas for making the most of ingredients. I am loving it! Perfect bedtime reading.

The Guardian: Seven tips for eating well on a solo budget and yet another stolen generation.

Women’s Agenda: Michelle Yeoh’s epic win and call to women and girls (don’t let anyone ever tell you you’re past your prime!)

The Weekend Australian: A profile of one of my favourite novelists, who has a memoir coming out, and it sounds fascinating.

Listening to

I have been really enjoying Sarah Cahill’s The Future is Female, a three-volume series which celebrates and highlights women composers from the 17th century to the present day. It’s all piano music too, which I love! Wonderful writing music.

My inner autumn playlist, which naturally then went into winter, and now spring! But because the weather is so autumnal, I’m leaning back on the autumn playlist. I may or may not have mentioned but Tom and I use TIDAL, which is to our minds the most ethical of the current music streaming services, in that it does pay the artists.

PICKING

What the garden gave me one Thursday afternoon…..

The garden has been surprisingly prolific! The fig tree has been full of ripe fruit. I have given two bags away to a neighbour and a friend, and still have managed to have one or two each day sliced on pancakes, into a smoothie or just enjoyed on its own. Yesterday I picked another bowl:

Which I then roasted with white wine, brown sugar, cinnamon and star anise. They turned out beautifully and are so delicious. They’re now being stored in the fridge for this week’s breakfasts. I’ll be eating them with coconut yoghurt and granola, or on top of porridge. Yum!

I was also happy to see some of my own tomatoes in the garden finally turning red!

Picked quite a few zucchini too, which I’ve used in my cooking throughout the week. There are at least three more budding on the plant in the garden.

And then I woke up this morning to find a bag of vegetables - kale, silverbeet, more zucchini and more tomatoes - from my parents on the doorstep. They must have come past at an hour they knew we’d still be in bed! Kale and silverbeet are going in a soup tonight and the tomatoes might get made into a kasundi….

Eating

The last few weeks’ cooking and eating has been centred around making the most of the seasonal produce! I roasted a big tray of vegetables, which we enjoyed with pan-fried gnocchi; sautéed zucchini into buttery softness which becomes a wonderful pasta sauce; made bruschetta which is my favourite way to enjoy a glut of fresh tomatoes, from my garden or someone else’s; turned leftover porridge into pancakes which I topped with tahini, maple syrup, coconut yoghurt and fresh figs from the tree; a tofu scramble which was divine; a butter bean curry from Natural Flava which was delicious but so hot (1 tablespoon of curry powder next time rather than two, I think!)

I also did some baking with my zucchini and fig glut this weekend - chocolate courgette/zucchini cake from The Vegan Baking Bible with a lovely chocolate ganache icing on top, the usual banana bread with grated zucchini added, and the aforementioned roasted figs with spices and a pinot gris we didn’t like enough to drink but seems to be OK to cook with. In the banana bread and the figs, I used my favourite spice which was sent as a surprise from a kind friend in Melbourne. It arrived on a day I really needed cheering up and while she could not possibly have known that, she also somehow did in the way that kindred spirits always do.

And, of course, there were a few nights were we were too exhausted to do anything other than cook frozen dumplings or heat up leftover pasta and fall into a TV stupor! No need for photos of that. But know that it happens!

Drinking

Chai. Proper chai. It’s all I want to drink in autumn.

Watching

We got Binge in anticipation of the new season of Succession so not only have we rewatched season 3 so we remember what’s happened (!) but we finally caught up on the 2022 season of Masterchef UK, which has been one of my favourite shows for years. It was superb! Really loved seeing John and Gregg again, how well they nurture talent, and how inclusive this series was - it made me very happy to see a Deaf woman in the heats (it would have made my grandmother very happy too). It made me a little homesick for the UK too - or maybe nostalgic is the better word. Seeing familiar brands of foodstuffs I used to buy (though they always blur out the logos?!), remembering dishes I used to cook and the kinds of wonderful and different ingredients you could get. Great fun!

Likewise, have used getting Binge as an excuse to catch up on Call the Midwife, which is as wonderful and comforting and heart-wrenching as ever. One of my favourites!

As for films, I adored Maggie’s Plan, which Tom surprised me with - wonderfully written and acted, and really thought provoking. I love films set in New York City with quirky characters who are writers and academics, so this film was me to a tee.

It was a nice antidote to In Bruges, which we both watched for the first time the night before. I remember posters for it being all over the tube in London in 2008 when it first came out, but we never saw it until now. It was a bit too violent for me and hadn’t aged well - very homophobic with lots of ableist and fatphobic slurs that are just simply unacceptable, even if you’re trying to illustrate how repugnant a character is. Apparently, it’s supposed to symbolise purgatory - a setting that has always fascinated me, ever since I read T.S Eliot’s The Wasteland way back when. So even though The Banshees of Inisherin has won a lot of acclaim and I’m intrigued, as it’s the same team, I’m not sure it will be my cup of tea! But we’ll see.

We also watched Ford vs Ferrari which I surprisingly enjoyed. The race was a nail biter!

Wearing/ USING

I’ve been writing with my new metallic lilac Lamy fountain pen, which I treated myself to with some of my Van Diemen History Prize prize money. Every time I write with it, I try and remind myself I am an award-winning writer. It quiets the inner critic who has certainly not disappeared. I’m determined to keep it at bay and allow gratitude, humility and hope to be my guiding stars.

It keeps dawning on me - I am in what is likely my final year of my PhD. I am really trying to enjoy it because I have actually been working towards this my entire life. I want to remember as much and soak up as much as I can, and not be robbed of my pleasure and joy by fear, anxiety and self doubt, as I have been for so many years. I have let those things keep me small for long enough. I have also let the judgment of insecure people in the cheap seats keep me small for long enough. Now, the idea of playing small is more painful than the vulnerability of putting my hand up, of saying things out loud. It’s more painful than the risk that I’ll give it everything and it still won’t be enough. I don’t care about that anymore. I do not want to look back on this time with regrets. I want to make the most of every opportunity. People have said “if you don’t believe in yourself, you can’t expect anyone else to” to me for years but I finally understand how very, very true that is. And let’s face it, self doubt just gets very fucking boring after a while!

Grateful for

Everything. Like I said above, I’m trying to make gratitude my default position, even in the face of painful or inconvenient happenings. It really helps.

Quote of the week

“Half of life is lost in charming others. The other half is lost in going through anxieties caused by others. Leave this play. You’ve played enough.” - Rumi

If you’d like to share your thoughts on this post, or anything else, with me, please do! I hope you’re enjoying it getting warmer where you are, or finding things to savour about autumn as it gets cooler, like me! See you soon xx

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